Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Let's get the cat blown out
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
