i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Randomize
