We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize
