i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
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