dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Randomize
