i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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