im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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