from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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