he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
