It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
