i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
