Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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