I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
