I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Randomize
