I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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