when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
