I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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