kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
