I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
