My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
