This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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