You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
