No stitches, just platelets and will power
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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