all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
