the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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