My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
