So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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