He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
