I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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