i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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