i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Oh god it's open bar.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
