Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
