Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
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