I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
