Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
