He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
