The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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