I met the friendliest cop last night
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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