The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
