Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
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