Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Randomize
