apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
