When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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