My sheets look like a crime scene.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I will be naked everywhere
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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