I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
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