My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Sorry my hands just texted you
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I would ride that face into the sunset
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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