Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
