I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Someone stole a lamp last night.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
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