I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
