i just had sex bonerless
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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