Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
you had me at cake vodka
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Randomize
